When “what is” is all that matters what should be ends up looking very strange. I say strange because Holly Hill’s tears remind us that she must overcome the common grace of the conscience to follow her own advice. Perhaps we should take the idea of real moral truth seriously? Perhaps there may be more consequences (some not so fun, some to others, some before God) to this arrangement she and her boyfriend have? But hey, she’s happy. Who am I to judge, right?
New York (CNN) — Could letting your man sleep with another woman help your relationship?
Author and former mistress Holly Hill thinks so.
“One of the main things that I have learned is that a woman that negotiates infidelity with her partner is far more powerful than a woman who is sitting home wondering why he’s late from the office Christmas party,” she says.
“It’s better to walk the dog on a leash than let it escape through an unseen hole in the back fence.”
“I thought it was men that would like the book,” she says, “But in fact it’s women, because what it says to women is that if your man cheats on you, he still loves you, and he’s probably running about average.”
Allowing their men to stray is a concept that’s difficult for most women to contemplate.
But Hill says that if a woman takes the time to truly examine her relationship and considers Mother Nature’s unerring spell on men’s libidos, she might realize that letting her boyfriend or spouse know she’s OK with him having sex elsewhere is a logical way to prevent him from doing it in secret.
“I think that cheating men are normal,” says Hill. “Monogamous men are heroes. Monogamy does have a place in relationships, but not on the long-term. Men are hard-wired to betray women on the long-term.“
“But psychology professor Lawrence Josephs believes it is more personality type than gender that indicates whether a person might cheat.
People who are higher in narcissim — whether they are male or female — are more likely to cheat. People who feel entitled to it, people who have what’s called avoidant attachment style where they tend to have more impersonal sex,” are more prone to straying, he said.
The professor also said people who experience lower levels of empathy or guilt tend to engage in more infidelity.
Central to the idea of negotiated infidelity, Hill says, is each couple figuring out what their boundaries are. While she admits she shed a few tears at the start of her relationship as she and Dean tested their comfort levels with different arrangements (Dean also says it has definitely been a learning process), they’re now very clear about what they will and won’t allow.
While Dean has the green light to have sex with other women, he’s not permitted to stay overnight. He also can’t take his lovers away for romantic weekends. And Hill says she’ll have an all-out hissy fit if he spoons another woman.