I couldn’t resist…

I own a Mac. But this article is really funny.

Slate/Life With iPad: Do you have what it takes to own this magic and revolutionary product?

While the company’s previous offerings in this genre have typically featured Apple Store employees in a neutral space, the iPad videos take us into a model home of an iPad user. It’s a pristine environment, fit for an IKEA showroom, with lots of coffee around. This is how Steve Jobs wants us to use his revolutionary device. Let’s take a tour through Apple’s tour of how an enlightened iPad user lives.

Our iPad user, a man, is reclining on a chair, and he props the iPad on his knee with his legs crossed. This is the start of a theme. iPad users prefer the couch and the lounge chair. Should an iPadder have the unfortunate experience of sitting at a desk, he will immediately put his feet up on the desk and rest the iPad on his thighs to type. The iPad world is like an opium den, where one is always reclining, the better to enjoy its strange, new, vivid wonders.

Next, the voice-over begins. It promises us that, with a “multi-touch display this large … you feel like you’re actually holding the Web right in the palm of your hand.” When I hear that, my first reaction is to drop whatever I’m holding. Our iPad man is reading the following article from the Times: “Happy 1,300th to Nara, Japan.” Naturally, he would love to go visit a meticulously restored palace in an ancient city that helped the spread of Buddhism. As an iPad owner, his soul exists on a higher plane.

In the “Mail” video, you’re greeted with the promise that you can “see and touch your e-mail like never before.” Kinky! Our iPad user here is invited to a “Day at the Beach!” and is also informed of a meeting delay. He looks at a “Final Sales Report.” Then he learns that salary increases for “his team” were approved today. After that, he decides to join a friend on a trip to Joshua Tree National Park. Then he checks the location for a surprise birthday dinner at the Slanted Door in San Francisco. The message here is that in iPad-land your e-mail inbox is not a torture chamber of obligation, undone tasks, and spam. It’s full of bright, crisp photos and groovy reports!

On to “Photos,” where our iPad user is a woman. She, of course, immediately sits down on the couch and puts her feet up. The photos show good-looking friends, adorable children holding umbrellas in Paris, and the like. Thanks to the iPad, we can have the novel experience of holding our pictures “right in our hands.” Uh, thanks. Haven’t done that before.

The “iBooks” segment contains the guided tour’s most shameless attempt to gull us. A mother is reading Winnie-the-Pooh to her Vans-wearing son. On the table is a recently abandoned crayon drawing and a reference book showing illustrations of elephants. The boy points to something on the screen. They are “discovering the joy of reading all over again.” Don’t worry, the iPad won’t replace books in your house, but will live peacefully among them. Your son won’t use the device to play Shrek Kart; he’ll nest beside you on the couch and then go outside for a game of Pooh sticks. And, if he gets bored, just change the font size! The “iBooks” app also animates the pages being turned, a cute idea that creates a delay that will quickly become intolerable.

The final three videos—”Keynote,” “Pages,” and “Numbers”—can be lumped together. These apps are Apple’s versions of PowerPoint, Word, and Excel. The “Keynote” one was so complicated that I could barely follow the action. “Pages” shows that the iPad will be excellent if you’re writing an Earth science textbook for fourth graders filled with photos of giraffes that need to be moved around a lot. In “Numbers,” the iPad man seems to be using a spreadsheet to cruelly rank the various players on a girls’ youth soccer team. The not-so-subtle message in these productivity-app videos is that you can use your iPad like a laptop. Just make sure that you don’t need to do anything silly, like print something out.

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